A piece about an idiosyncrasy of mine
I don’t know why, but I am obsessed with naming things… and by things I mean people and pets. Haha. Probably because naming someone is one way to really express your creativity in a very permanent way. When I meet these people with names like John Smith, Mary Johnson, Michael Williams, I always think to myself, “Wow, your parents suck.” I feel bad for these people. Everybody Google searches their name, right? Imagine googling your name when you are John Smith… Good luck wading through all of those results (A thousand apologies if I offend you because your name is John Smith, but don’t complain to me. Go to your parents).
If you ask me if I believe in fate or destiny, more often than not, I will give you a flat, quick no. But not when it comes to names. If you name your kid something stupid… your kid is going to come out stupid. This tautology, as I see it, ought to be named after me unless it’s named after someone else already. Mauro’s first law. Better yet: Mauro’s Razor1. Fuck you, Occam (or Ockham) (Damn, Hanlon never gets any love). Mauro’s Razor isn’t a guarantee, mind you, but a tendency. =D
On that note, I will never name a child of mine Pancho. I hear that researchers in the Latin Americas have discovered that naming a boy Pancho increases his chances of having cirrhosis of the liver at age 35 by about 90%.2 That is to say, Pancho, I believe, is a common name for a drunkard, and I’m not excited about having alcoholic babies.
The corollary to Mauro’s razor: If you name your child something epic, the child will come out epic… hopefully. The other is- if you name your child something common, your child will come out alright. Uncommon name? Umm, I read an article that says men with uncommon or unpopular names are more likely to end up as criminals3. Yikes.
The problem with all of this, of course, is the subjective nature of it all. What sounds epic to some sounds stupid to others and vice versa. The first example that comes to my mind right now is Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin naming their daughter Apple. Apple Martin. That’s one letter away from an alcoholic drink there. Hmm, who knows? Maybe Apple and some random Pancho will hook up one day and have rambunctious anal.
Back in 9th grade, a friend of mine, Luis Diaz, took the letters of my first and last name to create a new name for me, a secret name. So he took Mauro and contorted it thus: take the last syllable and put it first, take the first syllable and put it last, and then flip the u to make an n; you get “Roman.” Then he took my last name Fernandez and created Derez. I don’t really know how he got that. So my secret name was Roman Derez. It sounded epic to my ears as soon as I heard it.
That same year I read Dante’s Inferno. Notice anything about that? Dante’s. Not Alighieri’s Inferno. Dante’s. Who wrote The Great Gatsby? F. Scott Fitzgerald. What’s that guy’s first name? I don’t even know. I had to look it up. Francis. That’s it. Samuel Clemens? Who the fuck is that? MARK TWAIN, ah, I know him. Pseudonym. In short, authors do cool shit with their names.
As the year progressed, I became filled with delusions of grandeur. If I became a famous novelist, poet and/or philosopher I would change my name to Mauro Roman Derez Fernandez. But I would chop off the Mauro Fernandez when I published my works, just to be cool like the aforementioned authors. I pictured students getting excited about reading and talking amongst themselves. One hands a book to another and says, “Oh, man, if you like Shakespeare, you’ll like this… Have you read the works of Roman Derez?! They’re monumental! This novel managed to win the Pulitzer Prize and the movie that was based on it won best adapted screenplay at the academy awards!” Yes, I am a bit of a nerd for picturing that. I admit it.
As it turns out, the day my overreaching ambition eventually confronted my actual ability/talent to write, my delusions of grandeur died (or did they?). I decided: perhaps my progeny will do better. So I figured that I could name my first-born son Roman Derez Fernandez and hope he becomes a great writer. I can be one of those disgusting parents that lives vicariously through his or her kids. Why not? Maybe I can star in my own reality show. I doubt it can compete with Toddlers and Tiaras though. Oh wow, I lost my senses for a bit there. I started to think that my last name was Heene. Anyway, back to the matter at hand.
Thenceforth I started to imagine what names I would give my children, and thus my obsession began.
THE CHALLENGE: come up with a name that sounds pleasant, is somewhat common, but not too common, and that preferably sounds more epic than stupid. And make sure that your kids can google their name without having to wade through a shit ton of results. For me, I add the extra challenge: a name that is easy to pronounce in English and Spanish. Oh yes, let us not forget the last criterion –name them something that won’t land them in jail. That’s pretty important.
For girls, I think names that end with “ia” are particularly euphonious. Victoria, Sophia, Anastasia, Julia. Maria? Way too common… sorry. How many Maria Fernandez’s are there in the world? Probably too many to count. (Grammar question: How do you pluralize my last name? Fernandezes? Or Fernandez’s?)
Every now and then I find these names, and I make sure to bookmark them in my mind because they sound so lovely to me. E.g. Aurora. Miriam –I heard this one in The Prince of Egypt. Some names sound so wonderful, but I feel like they won’t sit right as first names. I bet they can work as middle names, though. For instance, Tzipora (Zipporah) –I saw this name in Schindler’s List and in The Prince of Egypt and loved it –I really need to stop watching that movie before I end up having Jethro and Moses as sons, huh? Sephora –the Greek version of Tzipora sounds great to me. Hopefully that cosmetics company hasn’t ruined this name.
So far this is my favorite combination: Anastasia Sephora. You can call her Anna for short. Sophia Theresa Fernandez-Urquilla would be nice too. She’ll have fun initialing on forms. Get it?4
I wish I could have 20 children so I could name them all. It’s fun for me to think of possible names for them. But 20 children? Sounds like another possibility for me to star in quality reality TV programming. Oh, wait, that’s already being done5. Maybe I can have 20 children total from multiple women? Haha. I joke with Yenny telling her that I will have an affair with a white woman in the future and name the son I have with her Emerson. I think that name sounds really strong and respectable: Emerson Fernandez. However, since I’m not planning on having affairs, and Yenny and I only want a few kids, can I name your children? Please?
A few months ago, I was trying to convince my pregnant sister to name her son Alonzo. She chose the name Julian. I tried to push Julian Alonzo on her. She didn’t go with it. So now her son is just plain old Julian Davis. Wouldn’t it have been better as Julian Alonzo Davis? Maybe I can pull off Julian Alonzo Fernandez in the future. Or maybe just Alonzo Fernandez.
As I learned from my sister, people generally won’t let you name their children, so I’m sure your answer to my title question is a quick, but loud “NO.” Shit, I don’t even know if I’ll have any say in the naming of my own children. I have to consult with Yenny first …or do I? I’ll just name my own kids and satiate the residual naming urges on my pets. I hope to one day have a toy dog named either Aristotle or Aristophanes. I have no idea why. It just sounds funny to me. Damn, I just realized I don’t want that many pets. I don’t want to be crazy pet-guy with 20 pets, a smelly house, and piss stains all over the carpet.
*Sigh* I guess I’ll just have to learn to live with this frustration. Nomenclatural frustration, I’ll call it. I will name this frustration that.
The End
A quick afterthought:
Guillermo used to be on my list of preferred boys names but I keep seeing these damn ads on YouTube for Verizon’s 4GLT-whatever-the-fuck product, where this guy says “It turns Guillermo into super Guillermo!” Yeah, they killed that name for me… bastards.
And another:
Yenny may like that I want to demonstrate our mutual love of Japanese culture by giving one of our daughters Sakura (Cherry Blossom) as a middle name.
[1] I am aware that “razor” is not applicable to this type of pseudo-philosophical concept.
[2] Not True. I made this up completely.
[4] S.T.F.U.
[5] Actually it’s 19 Kids & Counting. Two TLC reality TV references in one essay… Yeah, I need to get a life. Maybe I can squeeze in a reference to Jon & Kate Plus 8 …
I think our tastes in names are completely different, so I'm not sure if I'll consent to you naming my kids :P For example, for girls I love:
ReplyDeleteJuniper (so far NO ONE, except I think Yuri, even remotely likes that name).
Coral (difficult to pronounce for kids though).
For boys, I like Apollo. But I don't want my son to become a criminal (or have delusions of grandeur), so I'll just name my dog Apollo. I also like Emerson. And Harrison. Three syllable names are cool. Or Ray - short and simple.
And I have to say I like Julian more than Alonzo, no offense.
Btw, I like both websites. I like the picture at the top of the front page of this one. I like how you post more on tumblr, but I don't like how tumblr doesn't allow comments. Can't wait to catch up!